Closure

Laying in the sun, watching the dust float around in the rays that break through the trees above he wonders about what could have been. What use is it, to think of these hypotheicals, scenarios that only cause anger, jealousy, resentment. What could have been is just that, it will no longer come true in the way you thought and if it does in someway manifest itself in the future, its not the same. Time changes circumstance, that thing he once wanted so deeply and now has isn’t appreciated in the same way. As life goes on we start to live the lives we once dreamt about but if we don’t take the time to acknowledge that then what’s the point. No matter who you are, you take something for granted. Imagine what your younger self would see if they could, what you’ve achieved and how what you wished for came true. Even in this moment, the grass itching on his bare back, sweat rolling down his forehead and the knowledge that the person they love isn’t there anymore, the memories of them will last forever. The experiences shared that helped him grow, the encouragement they gave to help him push through the darkest moments. He can’t be truly sad, because to do would be to disregard how good it all was. Its like a coin flip, the harder you throw the longer it stays in the air but at some point its got to come down, its up to you to decide what the outcome means. Life is made up of thousands of these moments, we can’t take back the toss, we must forge on knowing that the the next flip could change everything.

Sleep comes easy to him that night, the dark of slumber encases him, no dreams just black. When he wakes only a few hours later he feels nothing, well not nothing, more like the absence of something, it feels like his chest has been hollowed out and the beat of his heart is echoing up through his throat and pounding like a drum in his skull. What now? Life must go on. He has not cried yet, he wants to now but in the moment he was stoic, thinking that maybe if one of them didn’t cry it would make it easier, but its only made the numbness worse. His brain feels heavy, imagining a storm cloud inside his skull its as though a flood is engulfing his brain and taking away any ability to feel.

Words fly between my ears

I try to catch them but the letters run through my open palm like grains of sand

Grasping at meaning

How to explain this abrupt end, no one at fault

The inability to place blame causes the mind to wander

I find no comfort in seeking closure